Violation in Aisle 11

.....She has stopped there, completely stopped...all three hundred and some odd pounds of her, blocking the frozen food aisle with her overstocked cart and her overbloated carcass. She is all that is standing between me and getting out of this damned supermarket in time for work.

....."Excuse me," I say in my most well-mannered, congenial voice.

.....No response from her.

....."Um, excuse me, miss," I say again, this time slightly louder. "I'm trying to get by. Would you mind moving your cart out of my way."

.....The woman finally turns around. I can see her squinty little eyes buried beneath a ton of gaudy mascara. She doesn't look happy.

....."What?" she asks.

.....I try again: "Could you please move you cart out of my way so that I can pass down the aisle. I'm running a bit late for work."

....."Humph," she snorts like a rhino expelling snot from its snout. I can actually feel the hot air coming out of her pudge nose. With all the dignity of a persecuted martyr, she grudgingly moves her cart a few inches to the side and then continues to explore the latest exciting offerings from Lean Cuisine, oblivious again to my existence.

.....The cart is still blocking my path, but I decide to make a game effort to forge on. The front of my cart pushes gently against hers, slowing moving it out of the way. Inch by inch her cart moves to the side. I'm beginning to think that I may actually be able to pass by unscathed, when the unthinkable happens: the cart brushes ever so slightly against the woman's left hip.

.....I have some vague idea of what's about to come, but I couldn't possibly have been prepared for the violent fury of it all.

.....The woman turns sharply around, her mouth twisted into a demonic grimace. Dropping the package of low fat Swedish meatballs in her hand to the ground, she clenches her fists in fury.

....."What is wrong with you?" she shouts, her voice echoing throughout the store. "Why do you keep harassing me? LEAVE ME ALONE!"

.....The sound of her piercing wail makes everyone in the store turn around at once. Then I hear a voice on the loudspeaker bark out, "Code Red in Aisle 11! Code Red in Aisle 11!" Before I can even move, the store manager comes running down the aisle, followed by three other workers, all carrying walkie-talkies.

....."What's the problem here?" the manager asks. "Is everything alright?"

....."Alright?" the woman screams, her hands now covering up her bosom. "Do you know...do you have any idea at all...what this man did to me just now?"

.....The manager, the store workers, and the customers in Aisle 11 are all standing perfectly still now, waiting to find out what sort of horrible offense I have committed.

....."Just tell us what he did, ma'am," the manager says. "We're here to help you."

....."He, he...." She stops, unable to continue.

....."Yes, ma'am? Go on. No one gonna hurt you in my store."

.....Hurt her, I think to myself. What the hell is he talking about?

.....She hangs her head as if in shame and then, with her voice quaking, she says, "He, he...violated me with the shopping cart."

.....Horrified gasps. Mothers cover up their children's ears. The men in the store clench their fists in rage.

....."He what!" the manager gasps, not completely believing what he had just heard.

....."I was standing here minding my own business when that animal violated my poor, innocent left hip with this shopping cart....right here in the frozen food section of your store."

....."Good God," the manager cries. "Not in the frozen food section! What has this world come to!"

....."Now wait just a minute!" I object. "All I was trying to do was get down the aisle."

....."Shut the hell up, you stinking degenerate," the manager says. "I've just about had all I can take of the likes of you. I'll be damned if you are going to turn this decent store into some kind of swinger's cruising area, violating the hips of innocent young women with shopping carts and other exotic paraphernalia."

....."Listen to me," I say, pleading with the mob that has begun to gather around me. "It was all an accident, an innocent mistake. I never meant to hurt anyone."

....."I bet it was a mistake," a stocky Italian fellow at the back of the crowd sneers. "Just look it him. He's got 'pervert' written all over his face. Probably got a thing for gals with big hips. I say we string him up right here in Aisle 11 just to teach a lesson to all the other fucking pervs looking to score a little supermarket action."

...."String the sick bastard up!" the crowd yells in unison.

....."Hold on, folks," the store manager says to the crowd. "We can't take the law into our own hands. Then we would be just as bad as this fellow."

....."But my left hip. I can feel it bruising up already," the woman says, tears running down her face. "Now I'll never be able to find a decent man to marry me. Who will have me after this? I'm damaged goods."

....."Now don't say that miss," says the store manager tenderly, grasping her pudgy hand. "You're still lovely, and any man would be damned happy to have a woman like you...even with your violated hip."

....."Do you mean it?" she asks, wiping the tears from her face.

....."Of course I do miss."

....."Well, I suppose that someday it will heal, and maybe I'll even be able to forget the shame I experienced because of what this disgusting man did to me. I know that it will take time, but I'm a strong woman."

.....The manager puts his arm around the woman's shoulder. "That's the right attitude miss. Whatdoyasay I take you home now and we'll let the authorities take care of this creep? If you feel up to it, maybe we can have a little dinner later on this evening. I've got a buy-one-get-one free coupon for Friendly's and I'm more than willing to share it with you."

....."Well I suppose that I will have to eat eventually," she says, "and nothing cheers me up quite so much as going out for a really fancy dinner."

.....They walk out of the store together hand in hand, and I can see them getting into the manager's rusty Honda Civic just as the police car pulls up in front of the store.

....."I hear we have a sexual predator in the store," the policeman says, his right hand reaching for the gun in his holster.

....."Here's right over here, officer," a store worker shouts, pointing me out to him.

....."You people did good work," the police officer says. "There no telling what a violent pervert like this might do to children or small animals."

....."Buddy," he says to me, as he puts the handcuffs on. "You're going to be paying for this hideous crime for a very, very long time."

.....The crowd disperses as I am led out of the store. They are content with how justice has been served. Now there will be one less violent criminal lurking in the frozen food section of the local supermarket, and a generously proportioned woman with a violated left hip and limited marital prospects will experience a night of sweet passion with a small, slightly balding store manager.

.....End of story.