Listening In

Yea? / Okay, 15 minutes / I should be ready by then / We’re all out of tahini, so don’t expect any hummus for dinner tonight / Just bring some home from the store / You have to pass by it anyhow on your way home / What are you talking about…It’s right on your fucking way home / GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE, YOU DUMB MOTHERFUCKER! / No, not you…It’s just the damn cat climbing on the counter again / I know he’s your baby, but he’s still a royal pain in my ass / No, I haven’t fed him yet…I just got home / Gimme a minute to unwind first, will you? / What? / What’s that? / I don’t give a shit…Just get whatever you want / What? / I told you I don’t give a shit / Well, who the fuck cares about that right now / If you want it, then get it…just quit harping about it / I’m not cursing / Stop overreacting will you, I’m…. / ….course I love ya, baby; you know I do… / I know I’m tense lately / …. what with all the bullshit I’ve been having to deal with at work / Yea, I’m pouring myself one right now / I know / I know / I SAID I FUCKIN’ KNOW! / When you get home we’ll… / I promise baby / What? / All right, I’m willing to do it, but just once tonight, ok? / I’ve still got sores from the last time / Wait a minute / Hear that? / I think someone is listening in on us again / It’s not just my fucking imagination! / I know what the doctor says, but he’s an asshole / Oh, so just because someone has an M.D., that means they can’t be an asshole? / I know plenty of assholes with higher degrees / What? / Don’t get fucking started with that! / I’ve only had two or three since I got home / I KNOW WHAT IT DOES TO ME! / Just get the hell off my case right now / There’s that sound again / Don’t fucking tell me that someone isn’t listening in on this conversation! / No, I’m not being paranoid / I don’t know who it could be….Maybe it’s the fucking CIA for all I know / Oh, so I’m not important enough for the fucking CIA to be tapping my phone, is that it? / Shows what you know / I had a subscription to Mother Jones in college / Bet they have a dossier on me a mile wide / Stop fucking laughing, you bitch / I tell you I can hear someone breathing on the line / No, not you / It’s a man’s breathing / You bet your ass I can tell the difference between the sound of a man’s breathing and a woman’s / ‘Cause I’ve got a fucking brain, that’s why / Jesus Christ, this is driving me crazy! / I can’t talk any more / I gotta get off the phone and try to figure out why someone would wanna listen to my telephone conversations / Oh, yea, I forgot…dinner…right / Sure, that’s fine with me / If you can’t get any tahini, just get some store-bought hummus / What? / I don’t care what kind…Just get whatever kind you want / What? / No, definitely not that kind / ‘Cause it tastes like shit, that’s why / I know I just told you to get whatever kind you want…just don’t get that kind / What? / ….or that kind either / Stop screaming / Yea, red pepper is fine, but be sure it’s Ten Sheiks, not the store brand / ‘Cause the store brand has transfats, and I’m trying to watch my weight / I’m not being picky / There’s that fucking sound again / Love you too, babe / I’ll have the radishes waiting for you when you get home / You know I do, baby / Click /

Special Operations Report
Date: 11/12/07
Submitted by: Agt. Warren Schiffler

Report Summary: Conversation between suspect and his girlfriend. As always the two argued about the suspect’s paranoid tendencies, but reconciled sufficiently enough to plan intimate activities involving radishes (most likely of the daikon variety). Although there was some evidence of animal neglect, the lack of meat-based protein on the suspect’s dinner menu is highly suspicious. I believe that the two may indeed be planning to move in the direction of a vegetarian, or possibly even a vegan, diet in the future. The suspect definitely fits the profile of a typical enemy of the industrial food complex—overly educated, liberal, effete, and far too health conscious for his own good. If he continues to acquire the majority of his protein from beans and legumes, it could pose a potential threat to our American way of life. I recommend that the suspect continue to be monitored carefully, and, if he persists in his wanton disregard for the well-being of the pork and beef industry, that we consider terminating him and deprogramming his girlfriend.