1. Do the mad moonlight mambo in the dead of night with the feral cats in fedoras hanging out by the pool tables. If they refuse your request to dance, threaten to take away their cigarettes and catnip.
2. Drink two gallons of Cherry-Berry Kool-Aid as quickly as you can and wait at least 30 minutes without going to the bathroom. Go to the corner and walk down the street backwards while urinating. See if you can do this the whole way down the block without pissing on your suede shoes. Note: This piece does not work well for women, unless they were born in Southern New Jersey.
3. Creature comforts must all be left behind on the journey for personal and planetary perfection. Tighten your loincloth for the quest and take only what can be carried comfortably in the space between your spleen and your kidney. For safety, keep your passport hidden at all times in one of the folds in your large intestine.
4. Rave, rave, then rave some more…like the mad, manic ones who rule the galaxy from afar. If you rave loudly enough the mother ship will suddenly appear to take you back to your homeworld.
5. Every minute of your life is a swift descent into the grave. You can forestall the inevitable demise, but only if you follow the methods of the great Himalayan sadus: Go to the sacred spot on the river where they burn the shrouded corpses, strip down, and spread the ashes of the dead all over your body. Then start walking due north until you come to the place at the foot of the sacred mountain where the holy ones dwell. Stand there perfectly still until the end of the Kali Yuga in approximately 10,000 years. You will be old and decrepit by that time, but your thighs will be absolutely amazing from standing in one place for so long.
6. To prevent gaseous emission from occurring during interplanetary trips—totally unpleasant for your fellow travelers—be sure to get plenty of sleep the night before you depart, eat a healthy lunch of mustard greens with wasabi and ginger no more than two hours before you get on the spacecraft, take 6mgs of Lotromitiozol every four hours to prevent air pockets from forming in your bowls, and be sure to keep yourself properly hydrated during the flight by continuously drinking either diet Dr. Pepper or Orange Squeeze……Or just take a shit instead.
7. Above all else, never, and I mean never, try to kiss the thin-lipped octopuses who sunbathe in the rocky coves on the fifth continent of the third planet in the fourth solar system (no matter how cute they might seem in their bathing suits!) They rarely are satisfied with just a kiss, and you will inevitably loose your self-respect and your reputation. If you find it impossible to say no to their charms, at least insist that they buy you a drink afterwards.
8. It has been said that seed should never be scattered on rocky ground, but this is a lie. I say, scatter yours far and wide wherever you can, and watch as the evil yellow weeds creep up from the cracks in the ground where they fell. Those weeds are strong, much stronger than the shoots that spring from wimpy mustard seeds. They eat mustard plants for breakfast and small children for lunch.
9. Pull the daisy out of your ass. It has already been fertilized, so it should grow fairly quickly in properly prepared soil.
10. On one of the stalls in the men’s restroom at the rest stop off Route 111 on Seti 9 someone wrote: “For a good time, call Schlomo Golberg at 001-000472-234-7707." But anyone who knows Schlomo will tell you he’s definitely not worth the money, even with his additional fifth appendage.
11. When you get back home, and your mother asks you where you’ve been for the past three months, just tell her that you were on an interplanetary mission to explore strange new life on a planet called Earth in a distant solar system called the Milky Way. When your mother slaps you across your fifth cheek with her left dorsal fin for lying to her, tell her instead that you were out on a continual bender with the boys and were unconscious most of the time so you couldn’t call her. This should appease her and may spare you from getting your schnitzula beaten raw with her clitemzola minkscoffy.
12. When you see him, tell Pauley Ragutso that he still owes me $12.50 for the beer I got him last week. If he refuses to give you the money, tie him up in a sack with George W. Bush, and beat the sack vigorously at least 17 times with a tire iron. This will accomplish absolutely nothing but is great exercise for the shoulders and upper back.
2. Drink two gallons of Cherry-Berry Kool-Aid as quickly as you can and wait at least 30 minutes without going to the bathroom. Go to the corner and walk down the street backwards while urinating. See if you can do this the whole way down the block without pissing on your suede shoes. Note: This piece does not work well for women, unless they were born in Southern New Jersey.
3. Creature comforts must all be left behind on the journey for personal and planetary perfection. Tighten your loincloth for the quest and take only what can be carried comfortably in the space between your spleen and your kidney. For safety, keep your passport hidden at all times in one of the folds in your large intestine.
4. Rave, rave, then rave some more…like the mad, manic ones who rule the galaxy from afar. If you rave loudly enough the mother ship will suddenly appear to take you back to your homeworld.
5. Every minute of your life is a swift descent into the grave. You can forestall the inevitable demise, but only if you follow the methods of the great Himalayan sadus: Go to the sacred spot on the river where they burn the shrouded corpses, strip down, and spread the ashes of the dead all over your body. Then start walking due north until you come to the place at the foot of the sacred mountain where the holy ones dwell. Stand there perfectly still until the end of the Kali Yuga in approximately 10,000 years. You will be old and decrepit by that time, but your thighs will be absolutely amazing from standing in one place for so long.
6. To prevent gaseous emission from occurring during interplanetary trips—totally unpleasant for your fellow travelers—be sure to get plenty of sleep the night before you depart, eat a healthy lunch of mustard greens with wasabi and ginger no more than two hours before you get on the spacecraft, take 6mgs of Lotromitiozol every four hours to prevent air pockets from forming in your bowls, and be sure to keep yourself properly hydrated during the flight by continuously drinking either diet Dr. Pepper or Orange Squeeze……Or just take a shit instead.
7. Above all else, never, and I mean never, try to kiss the thin-lipped octopuses who sunbathe in the rocky coves on the fifth continent of the third planet in the fourth solar system (no matter how cute they might seem in their bathing suits!) They rarely are satisfied with just a kiss, and you will inevitably loose your self-respect and your reputation. If you find it impossible to say no to their charms, at least insist that they buy you a drink afterwards.
8. It has been said that seed should never be scattered on rocky ground, but this is a lie. I say, scatter yours far and wide wherever you can, and watch as the evil yellow weeds creep up from the cracks in the ground where they fell. Those weeds are strong, much stronger than the shoots that spring from wimpy mustard seeds. They eat mustard plants for breakfast and small children for lunch.
9. Pull the daisy out of your ass. It has already been fertilized, so it should grow fairly quickly in properly prepared soil.
10. On one of the stalls in the men’s restroom at the rest stop off Route 111 on Seti 9 someone wrote: “For a good time, call Schlomo Golberg at 001-000472-234-7707." But anyone who knows Schlomo will tell you he’s definitely not worth the money, even with his additional fifth appendage.
11. When you get back home, and your mother asks you where you’ve been for the past three months, just tell her that you were on an interplanetary mission to explore strange new life on a planet called Earth in a distant solar system called the Milky Way. When your mother slaps you across your fifth cheek with her left dorsal fin for lying to her, tell her instead that you were out on a continual bender with the boys and were unconscious most of the time so you couldn’t call her. This should appease her and may spare you from getting your schnitzula beaten raw with her clitemzola minkscoffy.
12. When you see him, tell Pauley Ragutso that he still owes me $12.50 for the beer I got him last week. If he refuses to give you the money, tie him up in a sack with George W. Bush, and beat the sack vigorously at least 17 times with a tire iron. This will accomplish absolutely nothing but is great exercise for the shoulders and upper back.
i love being beaten with the old clitemzola minkscoffy!!!!
ReplyDeleteNumber two is just sick and weirdly funny.
ReplyDelete